I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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