I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
and she was petting her beer can
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
