When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
