Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
