what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
