The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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