I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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