Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
