My liver just broke up with me...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
