I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
