The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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