I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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