Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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