you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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