his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
