The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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