Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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