My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Betty ford says i'm here all night
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
