Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
