Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
