I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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