Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
