Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
