were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
