Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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