please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
