I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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