my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
