I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
