Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I will be naked everywhere
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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