Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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