dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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