A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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