they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
