Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
