If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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