I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
