if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
