My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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