Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
