i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize