i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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