No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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