i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
