i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize