Pants 0. Shit 1.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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