I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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