if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize