Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize