hotel room ftw
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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