also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize