Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
