i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need to calm my uterus...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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