I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
