literally had 100 drinks last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
