I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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