I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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