Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
