You smell like a Billy Joel song
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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