the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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