You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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